Filters, Feelings, and the 7% Problem
If you read this blog regularly, you’ll know how often I come back to the idea of acceptance. It’s one of those things that can be so simple in theory, yet so easy to lose in practice.
Our experiences shape our perceptions far more than we tend to realise. Every piece of information we receive is processed bottom up (it travels first through the reactive, survival-focused parts of the brain before reaching the more rational, thinking areas). As Dr Bruce Perry describes, communication also leaves the brain in a similar way: what we intend to say begins in the thinking brain but must pass through these lower regions before it is expressed.
There’s a well-known statistic suggesting only 7% of communication is the actual words we use. The rest comes through tone, body language, and the subtle cues shaped by our internal state. So, by the time our message reaches someone else, it may already carry traces of our own experiences, assumptions, and emotional filters.
When we are calm and regulated, those filters are lighter. But when we are stressed, under pressure, or feeling unsafe, our communication becomes coloured by past experiences, often without us realising it. And then, of course, our message has to travel through the other person’s filters too.
It’s no wonder miscommunication is so common.
We often assume others think as we do, and in doing so we can miss crucial pieces of understanding. This is where being not just trauma-informed, but trauma-responsive, becomes essential – whether in professional roles or everyday relationships.
When someone feels heard, accepted, and understood, their internal “filters” can soften. They are more able to receive information, stay present, and engage. When they don’t feel this, those filters stay firmly in place. The brain shifts into protection: What’s coming next? Am I safe here? In that state, people can feel unseen, misunderstood, and quickly become overwhelmed or disengaged.
A simple example illustrates this well. I recently attended an online safeguarding training – an important but heavy topic. Someone I know, who has a trauma background, was also attending. Early on, it became clear that while practical support was available, there was no acknowledgement of how emotionally challenging the content might be.
He began messaging me, feeling increasingly overwhelmed and close to leaving the session altogether.
During the break, I contacted the trainer and asked whether she could acknowledge the emotional weight of the material. As soon as the session resumed, she did exactly that: naming the difficulty, offering reassurance, and reminding participants how they could access support.
The shift was immediate.
He softened. He stayed. He engaged. He left not only having completed the training, but with a sense of success and connection rather than failure or overwhelm.
Nothing about the content changed – but the experience of it did.
It sounds simple, and in many ways it is. But it’s also challenging. If something isn’t part of our own experience, it can be hard to anticipate its impact on others. And we can never predict every possible trigger or response. That’s simply not realistic.
But being trauma-responsive isn’t about getting it perfectly right. It’s about creating conditions where people feel seen enough, safe enough, and accepted enough to stay engaged.
Acceptance is not a passive act – it’s an active, intentional stance. It requires curiosity over assumption, presence over urgency, and a willingness to recognise that every interaction is shaped by layers we may never fully see.
When we lead with acceptance, we reduce the need for defence. We make space for connection. And in doing so, we don’t just improve communication. We change how people experience themselves in relation to others.
We may not be able to remove the filters entirely, but we can make it far easier for them to soften.
What goes through your filter?
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