Singing the Same Song: Why Kids Need Consistency

 We often talk about the “village” surrounding a child, but what does that really mean? The proverb “It takes a village to raise a child” reminds us that raising and supporting children is a shared responsibility. For every child, especially those who have experienced developmental trauma, this collective effort is not just helpful, but essential. 

The developing brain thrives on consistency. When one adult communicates one set of expectations and another offers a completely different message, the child can become confused about what is right or safe. Most children without developmental trauma can gradually learn to navigate these differences - understanding, for example, that grandparents may allow extra treats while parents uphold stricter rules for day-to-day routines. But for a child with a history of trauma, these inconsistencies can feel overwhelming and destabilising. 

Why? Because their nervous system is already primed to scan for danger. The brain learns through repeated experiences; the more predictable and consistent those experiences, the safer the brain feels. Predictability teaches the nervous system that the world is safe, allowing it to rest. But when situations are unpredictable, the nervous system quickly activates, preparing the child for fight, flight, or freeze. For some, this hyper-alert state becomes constant. They live on edge, rarely able to relax, and their behaviour may reflect desperate attempts to cope or survive. 

When the adults around a child work together, offering consistency, predictability, and support, they help regulate the child’s nervous system. This enables the prefrontal cortex, the “thinking brain,” to stay online so the child can process, learn, and engage rather than react purely out of survival instincts. 

So, who makes up this “village”? It begins with the child’s primary caregiver - the person taking on the role of “parent,” which can look different from family to family. Beyond that, it includes extended family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles), teachers (who spend significant time with the child), and key professionals such as social workers, occupational therapists, medical staff, and therapists. Each of these adults plays a vital role in shaping the child’s environment. 

When these members of the village communicate and “sing from the same song sheet,” the child learns that the world is predictable. Their nervous system can relax. And it is only in this state of safety - not in survival mode - that true growth, healing, and learning can take place. 

Are we singing off the same song sheet?

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