Attunement: The Art of Being With Another Without Losing Yourself

In therapy we may hear this word a lot – attunement. But what does it really mean to be attuned to someone? Attunement is, at its core, a two-way interaction. It’s not only about knowing the individual we are attuning to, but also about knowing ourselves. So, what is the foundation of attunement? Is it emotional literacy? A deep awareness of our own needs and our relationship with others and the world? Is it that same awareness directed toward others? Is it something innate, or something that develops over time? In truth, attunement likely includes aspects of all these elements. 

In Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, the notion of intersubjectivity underpins the process. Intersubjectivity can be described as a responsive, two-way connection in which each person learns what makes the other unique, and both share that understanding together. Our sense of who we are is shaped by these relationships. Attunement is closely related—being connected to another person’s internal experience while staying connected to your own. The two concepts overlap: we learn about ourselves by knowing others. 

Attunement, however, takes this connection a step further. It invites us to tune into another person’s nervous system – into the subtle cues that signal their internal state. Are they shifting into a sympathetic response? And if so, how does their state influence our own? When we are attuned, we can support co-regulation, especially with children who struggle to regulate on their own. By staying present and grounded in our own internal world, we are able to meet the other person with clarity and steadiness. We can match the intensity of what they are feeling without losing our own regulation. This allows the other person to feel truly felt. In intersubjective terms, this is known as matched affect – the experience of being understood and joined emotionally. 

In this way, attunement becomes a powerful form of acceptance. It communicates, “I see you. I feel you. And I’m with you.” But we can only offer this when we also know ourselves – when we are aware of our own emotional landscape and nervous system. 

Attunement is less about techniques or actions and more about the state of being we bring into relationship. It is a regulated, present, and responsive way of connecting that allows two people to meet each other authentically. When we cultivate attunement, we create a space where healing, growth, and genuine connection can emerge. 

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