From Pigeons to Pepsi: Everyday Conversations That Build Therapeutic Relationships
When we first meet someone new, we inevitably wear a kind of guard — a filter for what we choose to share. Rarely, in our first conversation with a new acquaintance, do we reveal much beyond the surface. Certainly, our deepest stories or most private experiences stay hidden until trust begins to form.
Therapy is no different. Just because it’s a therapeutic space doesn’t mean we can expect a client to open up completely in the first session. In fact, the early sessions are primarily about relationship. We get to know our clients, and they get to know us. Only when there is safety and trust can the deeper therapeutic work begin.
This raises an important question — how much should a therapist reveal about themselves? The work is, after all, about the client, not the therapist. But some level of authentic connection is vital for the relationship to feel real. So, we must consider:
What information might be helpful for the client to know?
What might hinder the process?
What is appropriate for the client’s age and stage of development?
In a session with a teenager, we ended up talking about what it was like to be a teenager “back in my day.” Naturally, this meant sharing light-hearted snippets — the kind of computer I had, how I made plans with friends before mobile phones, and so on. Nothing too personal, but enough to invite humour and connection. The young person laughed and suggested I might have sent messages by pigeon! That playful exchange built rapport — the kind of small, shared moment that helps a young person feel safe and engaged.
We also need to be mindful of how even small disclosures can shape the relationship. What happens, for instance, when we talk about “favourites”? A client who tends to people-please might start aligning their choices with ours — only liking the same colours, foods, or bands, just to keep us happy.
So perhaps our goal is not to withhold ourselves, but to share in a way that keeps the focus on the client’s experience. For example, if a client brings up Coke versus Pepsi, I don’t need to reveal my own preference. Instead, I can stay curious about theirs — asking what they like, when they drink it, or how it fits into their life. This keeps the conversation relational, but still centred on them.
In the end, therapeutic relationship-building is about attunement — being open, accepting, and curious in a way that helps the client feel safe and seen. It’s a two-way interaction, but one with clear intention.
The relationship isn’t about me; it’s about us — the connection we build together, in service of the client’s growth and healing.
What to say and what not to say
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