It’s inevitable that at some point over the summer holidays, we’ll all lose our rag with one another. As lovely as it may be to have time off work or school, a prolonged period of being in each other’s company, the absence of the usual structure, later nights, and the general unpredictability of summer days that don’t quite go to plan can naturally lead to the occasional wobble - for both children and adults.

But what about children who rely heavily on structure and routine to feel safe? Children who need their parents to be emotionally available all the time? Children who struggle to regulate big feelings and who desperately need to feel heard and understood, even when it looks like something small and seemingly insignificant has sent them into a spiral of dysregulation, followed by waves of shame? How can these children, and their parents, move beyond simply surviving the summer to actually enjoying their time together?

For some children, every day may bring potential for a wobble. And although school may not always be easy, time without it brings a different kind of challenge. The lack of predictability can feel unsettling, and the anxiety about returning - likely to a new classroom, a new teacher, or even a new school - can build in the background. The fear of the unknown can quietly intensify, often showing up in behaviours that feel confusing or disproportionate.

This is where Kim Golding’s Cycle of Parenting can offer a really helpful framework. Kim, one of the founders of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP), developed this tool to support parents in staying emotionally present during moments of challenge. It’s not a magic wand, and it won’t prevent every wobble, but it does provide a compassionate way to approach difficult moments. The cycle gently encourages parents to remain open and engaged, rather than becoming irritated, detached, or defensive. At its core, it’s about making and maintaining an emotional connection with our child, even when things are hard - especially when things are hard.

You’ll find a visual of the cycle on Kim Golding’s website, and it outlines several key steps. These steps don’t always unfold in a neat, tidy sequence. In fact, steps four and five - curiosity and empathy - are often reversed. In many situations, it’s empathy and acceptance that are needed first, before any curiosity can arise. When a child is deeply dysregulated, they first need to feel felt - they need to know that we get it, that we’re with them, and that they’re not alone in the storm. Only then can the thinking part of their brain begin to come back online, making space for reflection and understanding. And even then, more often than not, they might not be able to explain what triggered the reaction - and that’s ok too.

But perhaps the most vital stage of the cycle is step two: Is the adult regulated? Let’s be honest, how many times have we tried to support a child in the middle of their meltdown while we ourselves are hanging on by a thread? It’s nearly impossible to help someone else regulate when we are flooded with our own feelings. Yet so often, this is the very moment we expect ourselves to stay calm and present.

So how do we regulate when we’re overwhelmed - when we don’t have the luxury of going for a walk, stepping outside, or sitting quietly for ten minutes with a cup of tea and some deep breathing? Sometimes, just completing the first step - acknowledging that something difficult is happening - and then naming our own need can make a difference. Saying something like, “Mum/Dad just needs to step outside for five minutes so I can be the best parent I can for you” is not a failure, it’s a model of healthy self-awareness and self-care.

That said, for children who have experienced early relational trauma or disruption, a parent stepping away—even briefly—can feel terrifying. In these situations, it might help to offer a transitional object—a teddy, a favourite toy, even a screen. This isn’t about using the object to co-regulate in our place, but about providing a sense of continuity and comfort while we take a moment to return to our calm. We’re not outsourcing the emotional work, we’re pausing to make sure we’re able to do it as well as we can. Because the truth is, parenting in this way is hard. Really hard. And we won’t always get it right.

And that’s ok.

The beauty of the cycle is that it allows for rupture and repair. It recognises that disconnection will happen, especially in times of stress or transition, but it also offers a way back. A way to reconnect, to re-attune, to show our children that no matter how big their feelings are, they are never too much for us.

So as the summer rolls on, and we find ourselves navigating long days, late nights, and the ups and downs of family life, let’s hold in mind that wobbles are not a sign that we’re failing - they're part of the process. If we can stay open, reflective, and willing to repair, we offer our children not just structure, but security. Not just routine, but relationship. And maybe - just maybe - we’ll find ourselves enjoying the summer in ways we didn’t expect.

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Big Feelings, Long Days, and the Power of Connection

Helping Kids Heal Through Connection: Inside the DDP Approach