Who sets the expectations? I guess we all do, in different circumstances. Expectations pop up everywhere — in our relationships, workplaces, and even in the quiet corners of our own minds. They can evoke a range of emotions: pride and satisfaction when we exceed them, or feelings of inadequacy and disappointment when we fall short.

Sometimes expectations motivate us — they help us strive for excellence, provide structure, and give us goals to reach for. We might want to deliver a great service, be a good parent, or live up to someone else’s faith in us. Yet, at other times, expectations can become heavy burdens that leave us feeling stuck or not enough. After all, we’re all human — imperfect, learning, and growing.

So how do we manage all the differing expectations placed upon us? That feels like such a big question, and perhaps one without a single answer. We might prioritise — meeting the expectations that must be met (from a boss, a deadline, a commitment) while focusing our energy on the ones that matter most to our values (being a kind friend, a present parent, or an honest professional). But what happens when we don’t meet them? Do we respond with frustration, self-criticism, or compassion? Does that frustration motivate us to try again or tempt us to give up altogether?

As therapists, we navigate an especially complex web of expectations — from parents, social workers, the children themselves, and of course, our own internal standards. But in the therapy room, these expectations need to take a step back. The therapeutic space must be one of acceptance, curiosity, and safety — a place where there is no pressure to perform or achieve. The child must feel free simply to be.

When expectations enter the room, consciously or not, they introduce the possibility of failure. And for children who have experienced early trauma and are already hypervigilant to adult emotion, even subtle pressure can be felt deeply. A therapist’s hope or expectation — however well-meaning — can trigger fear, shame, or retreat. Therapy halts when safety gives way to performance.

So, although expectations can be helpful in life, in the therapy space they need permission to not be there. True healing happens not in the meeting of expectations, but in the freedom from them — when both child and therapist can simply show up, be curious, and trust the process as it unfolds.

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Expectations in the Therapy Room: The Quiet Barrier to Connection

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