From “See You Later” to Goodbye: Supporting Children Through Endings
Over the last few weeks, we have been exploring the therapeutic process and reflecting on some of its key features. In this final part of the series, we are thinking about endings – something that can feel deeply emotional and complex for many of the children we work with, and often for us as adults too.
I wonder how many of us find goodbyes difficult. How often do we say “see you later” when we know we probably won’t? Why can the word goodbye feel so hard to hold?
As humans, we are wired for connection and attachment. Relationships help us feel safe, understood, and valued. We also know that healing happens in relationship. Because of this, the possibility of separation or loss can stir up powerful feelings within us. Sometimes we develop ways of protecting ourselves from the discomfort of endings. We might avoid saying goodbye altogether, quietly slip away, try to stay in control of the ending, or minimise it by pretending it is only temporary. Others may say goodbye outwardly but notice feelings of sadness, anger, confusion, or even relief afterwards.
As adults, our understanding of time and life experiences can help us make sense of endings, particularly if we know when we will see someone again. But for children, time can feel very different. A week, a month, or a year may feel impossible to grasp. An ending can therefore feel uncertain, overwhelming, and frightening.
This can feel even more significant for children who have experienced relational trauma or disrupted attachments. Many of the children we work with at Popeth have already experienced painful, sudden, or confusing endings in their lives. Some have had to say goodbye to birth parents, siblings, homes, schools, or trusted adults. For some children, these losses feel permanent. For others, contact arrangements can create repeated cycles of separation and reunion, each one reawakening feelings of grief, uncertainty, and longing.
Because of this, endings within therapy can feel particularly challenging. Sometimes even the end of a single therapy session can feel difficult, which is why therapists carefully support transitions and think about ways to help children carry the sense of connection between sessions. Transitional objects, routines, and predictability can all help children feel held in mind when apart.
Let’s think again about Johnny.
Johnny knows he has six play therapy sessions left. His therapist has created a countdown with him using a picture of a Lego figure, adding a new item each week until the figure is complete. The visual structure helps Johnny begin to prepare for the ending in a way that feels manageable and concrete.
Some weeks, Johnny avoids engaging with the countdown. When his therapist gently wonders what he would like to add next, he shrugs or leaves it until the last minute. Occasionally, he asks the therapist to choose instead. Rather than pushing him, Johnny’s therapist stays curious and accepting, recognising that endings can bring up feelings of sadness, fear, anger, or loss of control. Through PACE (playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy) the therapist communicates that all of these feelings are welcome and understandable.
By the final session, Johnny feels more prepared and has begun to think about how he would like to spend the time. Endings in therapy are often approached as an opportunity to honour the relationship and celebrate the child’s journey. Children may choose favourite games, look back through artwork, share memories, or enjoy a small treat together. Therapists may offer a card or keepsake that recognises the child’s courage, growth, and engagement in the therapeutic process.
Importantly, therapeutic endings are not simply about saying goodbye. They are about helping a child experience an ending that is safe, planned, thoughtful, and relationally held. For many children, this may be one of the first experiences of an ending where they are prepared, emotionally supported, and not left alone with overwhelming feelings.
Relationships sit at the heart of therapy. It is through relationship that children begin to feel safe enough to explore their inner world, make sense of their experiences, and develop new ways of relating to themselves and others. Because relationship is so central, endings matter deeply too. A thoughtful ending communicates to the child: you mattered, this relationship mattered, and you will continue to be held in mind even when we are apart.
Perhaps that is why endings can feel so emotional for all of us – because relationships matter. And when children experience endings that are compassionate, predictable, and connected, it can help reshape their understanding of relationships themselves: that people can leave whilst still caring, that goodbye does not have to mean abandonment, and that meaningful relationships can continue to live within us long after they end.
See you later or goodbye?
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