The Dance of Following and Leading in Play Therapy

Last week we explored the beginning stages of therapy — the point where the “can of worms” has been opened and, for a while, things can feel worse before they feel better. This stage can feel incredibly difficult for both children and carers, but it is important to remember that it does not last forever. There is hope. Through consistency, repetition, acceptance and empathy, change slowly begins to emerge. 

So what does this actually look like in the play therapy process? 

A key feature of play therapy is its non-directive nature. Sometimes this can sound as though the therapist simply follows the child without influence or intention. In reality, while the child leads the play, the therapist is actively engaged in a relational dance of following and gently leading. Through attunement, curiosity and careful pacing, the therapist begins to gently stretch the child’s window of tolerance whilst remaining emotionally connected and emotionally safe. 

Let’s return to our friend Johnny. 

Johnny still enjoys using the sand tray. Across many sessions, themes of danger, isolation and threat continue to appear in his play. The therapist recognises these themes as deeply connected to Johnny’s earlier experiences. 

At this point, the therapist has a choice. They can allow Johnny to continue carrying these experiences alone (something he has already had far too much practice at) or they can use the safety of the therapeutic relationship to help Johnny experience something different: that difficult feelings can be shared, understood and survived together. 

By carefully giving words, shape and meaning to Johnny’s experience, the therapist helps him begin linking his inner world to real-life feelings and relationships. Dan Siegel describes this as “name it to tame it”; when emotions are gently named within a safe relationship, they begin to feel less overwhelming and more manageable. The child slowly moves from simply experiencing feelings to beginning to make sense of them. 

It might look something like this: 

Johnny creates a scene in the sand tray. Threatening figures stand on one side while, on the other side, a much smaller character stands alone. Quietly, Johnny explains that the smaller character needs somewhere to hide, but there is nowhere safe. Eventually, the small character must fight the larger figures. A battle unfolds. The advantage shifts back and forth, and when the fighting stops, there is no clear winner. 

Therapist: “Wow… that felt really intense.” 

Johnny: “Yeah. The fight went on all night and nobody won.” 

Therapist: “Gosh… I wonder what that might feel like for them — when it never really feels finished.” 

Johnny: (shrugs) “The little one is still unsure. But the big ones are ready to go again.” 

Therapist: “Whew… that sounds exhausting for the little one, having to stay so alert all the time.” 

Johnny: “Yeah. He’s really tired.” 

Therapist: “I’m wondering if sometimes parts of this story feel a bit familiar to you too?” 

Johnny: (shrugs and nods) 

Therapist: “Can I make a little guess — and you can tell me if I’ve got it wrong — that sometimes you might feel a bit like the smaller one? Like you’re trying to manage really big feelings on your own, while they just keep coming back?” 

Johnny: (nods) 

Therapist: “Wow. That feels like a lot to carry by yourself. No wonder the little one feels so tired.” 

Johnny has led the entire play process, but the therapist has used PACE (playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy) to help him feel seen rather than judged, understood rather than alone. The therapist does not interpret the play for Johnny or impose meaning onto it. Instead, they stay curious, tentative and emotionally connected, continually tracking both Johnny’s words and his non-verbal communication. 

As Johnny experiences being consistently heard, accepted and emotionally held, he slowly begins to make sense of the feelings beneath his behaviours. Over time, this can help his nervous system settle. 

Although Johnny may not yet consciously understand or fully accept himself, at a deeper level he is beginning to develop greater self-awareness and safety within relationships. Through the predictable presence of caring adults – especially during stormy moments – he starts to learn that difficult feelings do not have to destroy connection. 

This is why consistency matters so much. We will not always get it right. There will still be ruptures, misunderstandings and difficult days. But healing often happens not because relationships are perfect, but because repair becomes possible. We return, reconnect and try again. 

This does not mean Johnny will never return to old coping strategies. We cannot erase tricky experiences from the past. But as his story becomes more coherent and his feelings less frightening, he becomes better able to recognise what is happening inside him and respond with greater awareness. The emotions themselves begin to feel less overwhelming, less dangerous and less lonely. 

Follow, lead, follow

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