Seeing Behaviour Through a Different Lens

Isn’t it fascinating that, as a race, almost everything we do all day long is communicate? Our facial expressions, body language, tone, and words are constantly telling somebody something. At the same time, most of us are continually scanning the people around us, consciously or unconsciously, to work out what they are telling us. 

I often wonder whether the world might feel like a different place if we all walked around with a different lens – one that assumes that when people communicate something, it is because they are feeling something. For so long, and for so many people, feelings have been brushed aside as inconvenient, unimportant, or overdramatic. Yet feelings are the very source of all communication. Without them, behaviour would have no meaning at all. 

Let’s look at two simple examples. 

A child arrives at school skipping through the gates, eager to find their friends. Their face is open, their body relaxed, their tone light. They spot a friend and head over with an easy smile. From an almost unconscious scan, that friend can sense they are in a friendly, safe mood. They appear approachable and non‑threatening, and if the friend is in a similar place emotionally, the interaction flows naturally. 

Now flip this on its head. Another child arrives at school with their head down and a frown fixed in place. They notice their friend, but don’t move towards them. Instead, they stand alone in the playground, waiting for the whistle to go. The friend, again through an unconscious scan, chooses not to approach. 

What are these two sets of behaviours communicating? 

In the first example, the child may have slept well, had a calm morning, and travelled to school without conflict. Perhaps the evening before was settled too, leaving them with energy and curiosity to share news or simply enjoy connection with their peers. 

In the second, the story could be very different. Maybe the child slept poorly. There was noise in the night – parents arguing, a baby sibling crying. They woke feeling anxious about what the day might hold and didn’t want to ask for anything, including breakfast. They slipped a chocolate bar into their pocket but didn’t have time to eat it because they were already running late. Mum was exhausted, the baby distressed, and stress filled the house. By the time the child reaches school, they are carrying far more than we can see. 

Behaviour can be explicit, but it can also be implicit. Some children, after a difficult start to the day, may try to mask how they are feeling when they arrive at school. This might come from fear of upsetting others, standing out, or feeling different from their more easy‑going peers. Even this masking is a form of communication: I don’t feel safe, I’m unsure, I need to stay small right now. 

If we pause and look through this lens, behaviour stops being something to manage or correct and becomes something to be understood. 

So what if we slowed down – even briefly – and asked ourselves, “What is this behaviour trying to tell me?” And perhaps more importantly, “How can I respond in a way that meets the feeling underneath?” 

This way of thinking does take time. It requires curiosity, patience, and a willingness to move beyond quick judgments. But when we respond to behaviour as communication, we create space for children to feel seen, safe, and supported. In doing so, we don’t just change individual interactions – we begin to shape environments where emotional understanding becomes the foundation for connection, learning, and growth. 

Behaviour through a different lens

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