The Secret Ingredient: Regulation

Regulation. When have you ever achieved something to a good—or even excellent—standard when you weren't regulated? When have you ever had a calm conversation when you were overwhelmed by emotion? When have you been able to concentrate well for any length of time when you weren't feeling safe or settled? 

It's worth pausing to think about, because so often we expect exactly these things from children when they are dysregulated. 

As a therapist, one of the most fundamental parts of my role is helping a child stay regulated—or supporting them to find regulation again when they lose it. Before anything else can happen, regulation has to come first. 

We know that relationships are at the heart of therapy. I can certainly speak for play therapy and DDP, where the therapeutic relationship is the foundation of everything we do. Without a relationship, we cannot build trust. Without trust, we cannot begin to explore those difficult feelings and experiences. 

But trust itself cannot grow when our stress response systems are activated. 

When we feel threatened, our brains and bodies are designed to protect us. We move into fight, flight, freeze or other survival responses. In those moments, we become focused on staying safe, not on connecting with another person. We may become defensive, withdraw, push others away or simply be unable to engage. None of these responses are choices—they are protective adaptations. 

This is why Dr Bruce Perry's concept of the Three R's is so powerful: Regulate, Relate, Reason. They have to happen in that order. We cannot genuinely relate if we are not regulated, and we cannot reason effectively without the safety of a trusting relationship. 

Whether we're thinking about therapy, parenting, teaching or simply being alongside another human being, the principle remains the same. Regulation is the foundation. It is the state in which connection becomes possible, and connection is what opens the door to learning, reflection and change. 

One of the real arts of therapy is gently stretching a child's window of tolerance—just enough that they can begin to approach difficult feelings without becoming overwhelmed. The goal isn't to avoid discomfort altogether; growth often requires us to touch those hard places. But it has to happen in a way that allows the child to remain connected, supported and able to return to regulation. Push too far or move too quickly, and we risk losing that sense of safety altogether. In the worst cases, we can even retraumatise rather than heal. 

This is why therapy moves at the child's pace. It isn't because therapists are being cautious for the sake of it. It's because healing happens within the child's capacity to stay regulated. We are constantly balancing challenge with safety, helping the child move forwards without tipping them into survival. 

Perhaps this is something we could all hold onto a little more—not just in therapy, but in everyday life. Before we ask a child to listen, learn, apologise, reflect, or explain their behaviour, it is worth asking ourselves one simple question: Are they regulated enough to do what I'm asking? 

Because if the answer is no, then the next step probably isn't another instruction or consequence. The next step is regulation. 

And perhaps that's true for us as adults, too. 

What’s missing?

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