What does it mean to truly accept someone? Is it the absence of judgment, of bias, of preconceptions?

Over the years, we all gather a collection of beliefs, values, coping strategies, and unconscious assumptions that shape how we see and respond to the world. Our ideas of what is “right,” “wrong,” or “normal” are informed by both implicit experiences and explicit conversations with caregivers, educators, and peers. Long before we meet someone, we carry a silent history of internalised messages that colour our perceptions of the person standing in front of us. For instance, if I asked you what kind of car I drive, you might look at my writing, skim my profile, and make assumptions—based not on fact, but on how your brain has been conditioned to interpret clues.

So how, with all that mental noise, can we ever truly accept someone?

Here are a few musings—though I’m aware that my own biases may still limit my view.

Firstly, it starts with knowing ourselves. Self-awareness gives us the ability to observe, rather than simply react. When we recognise our own emotional triggers, we can begin to separate our internal responses from the reality of the other person’s experience.

Secondly, understanding the other—at least in part—can shift our perspective. Just yesterday, my five-year-old told me about a girl in her class who is often "naughty." First of all, I have to wonder what she thinks it is to be naughty. What does she know about herself that might suggest this little girl isn’t doing what is expected? My daughter’s answer was that “she doesn’t listen”. I happen to know that this child doesn’t live with her birth mother. I don’t know much more than that, but with some understanding of trauma and the nervous system, I can guess that her behaviours may stem from a fight-or-flight response to uncertainty or loss of control. With that lens, her behaviour becomes something to understand—not condemn.

In Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP), acceptance means we accept the person completely, even if we don’t condone their behaviour. But what does that look like in practice? Surely, if we disapprove of something, our tone or body language will betray us? This is where empathy plays its essential role. Acceptance asks us to set aside our own agendas long enough to truly step into the world of the other. Not dragging them toward our worldview, but meeting them exactly where they are. When someone feels seen and accepted just as they are, their defenses soften. Ironically, that’s often when real change becomes possible.

It may feel counterintuitive—like slowing down when we want to hurry up. But, as DDP reminds us: we go slower to get there faster. True acceptance is not a passive act. It's an active decision to listen more deeply, judge more slowly, and love more openly. And while it may not yield quick results, it lays the foundation for lasting healing and connection. In the long game of trauma, this kind of slow, intentional acceptance is what ultimately helps people feel safe enough to grow.

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What Does It Really Mean to Accept Someone? The Hidden Work Behind True Connection.

Using Directive Techniques in Therapy