Why We Start With the Adults

The Crucial First Step in Therapeutic Work with Children 

The DDP Approach: Focusing on the Relationship First 

Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) places strong emphasis on supporting the caring adults before beginning direct therapeutic work with the child. This foundational step is based on the understanding that a child’s healing is most effective within safe, connected relationships. To build those relationships, the adults need to be emotionally available—and that requires support. 

It’s Not Just About the Child’s Behaviour 

When a child presents with "behaviour problems," it’s easy to focus solely on helping them change. While it’s true that improving the child’s self-regulation can ease family stress, focusing only on the child overlooks the relational nature of the difficulties. Family dynamics are never one-sided; lasting change happens when all parts of the system are supported. 

Understanding the Adult’s Attachment Style 

Every adult brings their own attachment history into the caregiving role. Our attachment style—shaped by how we were cared for as children—affects how we respond to the children we care for. Even securely attached adults can feel overwhelmed or triggered by a child’s distress. As Donald Winnicott observed, parents need only be “good enough” to raise emotionally healthy children—but that includes recognising and managing the moments when we fall short. 

Relational Triggers and Survival-Based Behaviours 

Children with developmental trauma often express their needs through survival-based behaviours: controlling, rejecting, withdrawing, becoming angry or anxious, or appearing constantly alert and unable to focus. These behaviours are often directed at the caregiver, which can understandably evoke strong emotional reactions. Over time, carers may put up emotional defences just to cope. 

Creating a Space for the Adult’s Experience 

The DDP process gives caregivers a space to explore their emotional responses without judgment. This isn’t traditional adult therapy, but rather a relational exploration: what is it like to be on the receiving end of trauma-driven behaviours, and how can the adult stay emotionally present through it? By making sense of their reactions, caregivers become less threatened by them, and more open to connection. 

Building Capacity for What Comes Next 

This stage of the work is essential. Without it, the caregiver may not have the emotional space needed when the child begins their own therapeutic journey. Once the child starts to process their trauma, difficult emotions will surface—anger, grief, fear—and the adult will need the strength and empathy to help hold it. The DDP approach ensures the adult has built that capacity first, becoming the secure base the child so deeply needs. 

In summary: Before we can help the child unpack their trauma, we must first support the adult in understanding their own emotional landscape. When the adult becomes a safe place for the child’s pain to land, healing can truly begin. 

Ready to Learn More or Reflect on Your Own Journey? 

If you're a caregiver, therapist, or professional supporting children with developmental trauma, consider how your own emotional experiences shape the relationships you build. Supporting the adult is not a detour from helping the child—it's the most powerful place to start. 

Parent and child - the relationship goes both ways