Feeling the Uncomfortable: Why Therapy Asks Us to Go There

Why Are Emotions So Difficult? 

Emotions can be incredibly hard—hard to talk about, hard to think about, and often even harder to feel. But why is this the case? Why do we instinctively avoid difficult emotions or judge ourselves for experiencing them? 

The answer often lies in the basic human response to discomfort. Unpleasant emotions are, by nature, uncomfortable. From a young age, we learn to avoid what hurts, and emotional pain is no different. Our brains are remarkably adaptive, and over time, we develop coping strategies to protect ourselves from distress. These strategies can be incredibly effective—they help us function, thrive, and sometimes even survive in difficult circumstances. They are often unconscious and become deeply ingrained. 

Why Therapy Encourages Revisiting Emotional Pain 

Given this natural tendency to avoid emotional discomfort, it may seem counterintuitive that therapy encourages us to revisit painful feelings. If our coping strategies keep us safe, why would we choose to go back to what we’ve tried so hard to avoid? 

The truth is, those difficult emotions don’t disappear. They remain under the surface, and certain triggers—smells, sounds, situations—can bring them flooding back, often when we least expect it. In some cases, this is manageable. But in others, the reaction can be so intense that it limits our ability to live freely in the present. 

A classic example is that of a soldier returning from war. A loud bang might be misinterpreted as a threat, even in a safe environment. The brain responds with a fight-or-flight reaction, overriding rational thought. The coping strategy that once kept the individual alive now interferes with daily life. The emotional response is real, but the context has changed. 

Coping Strategies: Once Protective, Now Restrictive 

This dynamic also plays out in more everyday situations. Consider a child who grows up in a household where emotional needs are consistently unmet. The child learns early on to be self-reliant and hardworking, coping by focusing on achievement rather than seeking emotional support. This strategy may lead to external success, but when that child becomes a parent, the challenges change. Now, when their own child struggles and expresses emotional distress, the parent is unable to respond with emotional availability. Their old coping mechanisms—problem-solving, blame, withdrawal—resurface because the emotional pain they never processed is being triggered again. 

In this scenario, the original coping strategy no longer fits the new reality. The parent’s difficulty in facing their child’s emotional needs mirrors their own unmet needs as a child. The cycle continues. 

Conclusion: The Case for Revisiting Emotional Pain 

So why revisit painful emotions? Because until we acknowledge and process them, they will continue to influence our relationships, decisions, and self-perception. Unresolved emotions can lead to repeated triggers and automatic reactions that hinder meaningful connection. 

By facing discomfort and understanding its origins, we begin to build emotional resilience. This increases our capacity to remain present—not just for ourselves, but for those we care about. Emotional availability, empathy, and healthy attachment all depend on our ability to tolerate and make sense of our own emotional world. 

In short, revisiting painful emotions isn’t about reliving the past for its own sake. It’s about reclaiming the present and creating space for more authentic, attuned, and fulfilling relationships. 

Recognising the value of emotions