How do you explain to a teacher or parent – briefly but meaningfully – why children with developmental or relational trauma cannot be expected to respond to consequences in the same way as securely attached children? Twice today this question came up for me. One person felt unable to see things differently, and another genuinely wanted to understand but was worried that empathising with the child meant “accepting the behaviour.” It is tricky, and so often the difficulty comes from not understanding what trauma really is.

One teacher, with many years’ experience, struggled to grasp why children need various “passes” that allow them breaks or support – things like toilet passes, wellbeing passes, a “step outside” pass. Without understanding trauma or mental health, these can easily feel unnecessary or indulgent, especially when compared to how previous generations were schooled.

A parent, on the other hand, was trying to balance compassion with concern for the safety of the class. Her question was, “Why wouldn’t you suspend a child for hitting another child anymore?” These are complex situations. Trauma is complex. What we see is only the tip of the iceberg – the behaviour. The huge mass beneath the surface is made up of past experiences, adaptations, and survival responses.

Children who have experienced trauma perceive the world differently. Their brains have been shaped by earlier experiences of threat or loss, and they often interpret everyday events – teasing, exclusion, correction – through a lens of “I’m not safe, I’m not wanted, I’m not good.” Their bodies move into survival mode long before their thinking brains can join the conversation. In these moments, the child isn’t choosing to misbehave; they are reacting from a place of deeply learned protection. Sometimes that means shutting down. Sometimes it means fighting.

This is why consequences cannot come first. Before a child can reflect, they must feel safe. Before they can learn, they must be regulated. And before they can trust an adult’s guidance, they must trust the adult.

A child with trauma needs an adult who can stay steady. Someone who can convey: I’m here. You’re not alone. I’ll help you when you’re ready. Only after the child has returned to a regulated state – often with the adult’s help – can we move into curiosity and connection: What happened? I wonder if you felt… That must have been so hard. From there, we can help them understand that they are not bad, even though they made a hurtful choice. That distinction only lands when the relationship can hold it.

In short...we can’t rely on traditional consequences with traumatised children because their “misbehaviour” is often a survival response, not a calculated decision. Regulation and relationship must come first. When we lead with safety rather than punishment, we protect all children—those who were hurt, and those whose behaviour is a signal of pain they cannot yet say in words.

Download PDF here

Consequences, Connection, and the Trauma-Affected Child

Before Therapy Begins: Safety, Readiness, and the Foundations of Healing